Episode 18 - Navigating Grief: Finding Love and Gratitude in the Midst of Loss

This episode is dedicated to my Papa, Clarence Wheeler Phillips, who left the earthly plane on May 29, 2023. This episode was recorded on May 30, 2023.

Today's episode is going to touch upon a topic that many of us can relate to: grief. I recorded this episode after my papa's passing, and honestly never thought I'd share it. After spending the week with family, it feels like the exact right time.

The legacy my grandfather left behind and the beautiful family he helped create, serve as a constant reminder for me to be a better parent and appreciate the precious moments in life.

Join me as I explore the conflicting emotions of grief, the belief in the continuity of the soul, and the signs received from loved ones beyond the physical realm.

This episode serves as a reminder that it's okay to feel conflicting emotions and that gratitude and love can exist alongside grief. Tune in to find comfort and solace in this touching exploration of loss and healing.

Read the full transcript here:

Speaker A [00:00:01]:

Hello, loves. Welcome to another episode of Flip the script with Vic. I'm your host, Victoria Nielsen. Today's episode is going to be a bit of a somber one, not something that I actually expected to record an episode about or felt that I was even ready to talk about. But we're going there because I feel like I've got something on my heart and I feel like many of you are going to relate to this message around grief. So my grandfather passed away yesterday, and I really just am feeling it so acutely and not in the same way that I felt the miscarriage, but it really is surprising me how in waves and in quiet moments that I feel this energy and this emotion bubbling up inside of me. And I'm really in awe of being able to honor that, because I feel like the Victoria of even a few years ago wouldn't have been able to do that. Would have been searching for the distraction, would have been searching for the thing, to keep me from thinking about it, to keep me from dealing with it, processing it, all of that kind of stuff.

Speaker A [00:01:16]:

And instead, I find that I'm sitting with it. And it just happened yesterday. So I know, obviously, that there's a lot more to sit with, but I am really surprised at the gratitude and the love that I feel. And it's especially when I look at my kids and I find that I want to be a better parent and a better mother since his passing. And not that I wasn't before, but he left such a beautiful legacy of a beautiful family and we are the shining example of him. And I feel him every time I smile at my kids, every time we giggle together, every sweet moment, because he was such a kind, kind man and.

Speaker B [00:02:04]:

Always told me to be kind to one another and especially to our family and our loved ones. And he and my grandmother had the most beautiful marriage over 60 years together.

Speaker A [00:02:19]:

Only over 25 of them, I think.

Speaker B [00:02:22]:

Retired together, getting to sit next to each other in their armchairs. And they have been just such a shining example of love and what a.

Speaker A [00:02:32]:

Beautiful reminder of that.

Speaker B [00:02:33]:

Even when he was dying, they still had so much and showed so much love for one another.

Speaker A [00:02:41]:

I was able to go down a couple of weeks ago when he'd been bedridden for a few weeks and couldn't really talk much, couldn't know super communicate. But I brought my youngest with me, who's almost a year old, and Rocky.

Speaker B [00:02:56]:

Just sat on that bed next to him playing with eggs. And I could see him watching Rocky and interacting and feeling that love and that connection.

Speaker A [00:03:05]:

And we were able to go down this last week before he passed and he got to see my oldest and.

Speaker B [00:03:12]:

Just knowing that he could see the beautiful family that is going to live on because of him, because of his.

Speaker A [00:03:20]:

Love is really touching me. And I don't even know what the point is that I want to share beyond the fact that there can be gratitude and love and all of these conflicting emotions and grief. And that's okay. You're meant to feel them. It's not a betrayal for you to be happy or to laugh or to feel love after this loved one is gone. I truly believe that our soul lives on. And that's what we told my oldest. It's three and a half because he was there while the hospice nurses were there, while Papa was essentially dying.

Speaker A [00:04:01]:

And we didn't hide that from him. We kept it very normal. We talked about the fact that Papa's soul would live on and his body was tired. And I really believe that he is still with us. And I feel him in the wind and in the trees. And what inspired me to sit down and even turn on the mic tonight was I walked outside to just have a moment to myself. And I'm finding such peace and sanctuary in being outside and being connected to earth and being connected to nature. And that is always something that's going to make me feel better.

Speaker A [00:04:36]:

But I've been really feeling the need to be outside. I pulled, like, weeds in the garden yesterday, which is so not me, if you know me. I'm never pulling weeds in the garden. But I found myself just wanting to be outside, and I laid in the grass like a little kid. My grandparents had the biggest yard growing up. That's my safe space. Like, when anyone says to imagine somewhere that's solely for them, that is their majestic space. Their backyard in Key West is what I think of.

Speaker A [00:05:05]:

Because I used to lay on the grass, like spread angel style, just staring at the sky and staring at the clouds. And I felt so held yesterday by the earth, being able to do that, just laying with my eyes closed, hearing my kids laugh and run around me and just breathing in rhythm with the earth. And it's a beautiful reminder of how connected we all are. And even when the body dies, the body gets tired, the soul lives on. And so the soul is still part of that connection that we are currently living in. So you can feel a loved one in the breeze and in the whisper of the trees and in the song of a bird, because I found myself being like, okay, Papa, send me a sign. Like, when you're safe on the other side, send me a sign. And he's sending me signs all the time.

Speaker A [00:05:59]:

Once I let go of this idea of it being this one particular sign, and instead thinking of every time that I am smiling as a sign from him, every time I enjoy my kids, every time I'm pressing my forehead to my youngest and singing him a song that is my papa's love. And that is where he is showing me he is alive and happy and well and his soul is doing fine and that he is watching over us. And I don't know, maybe I meant to share this today, to give comfort to someone who is going through something similar. There are so many stages of grief, so many variations of grief. No one grieves the same way. And maybe none of this resonates with you. And that's fine too. But I really found some peace tonight, standing outside and placing a hand on my heart and breathing in and talking to a tree and knowing that he hears me and knowing that I am loved and cherished and so are my kids.

Speaker A [00:06:55]:

And we are so fortunate to have that. I know there are so many people that don't have that, didn't have these last moments of a loved one. I was able to give him and my grandmother Reiki the last couple of times that I was there. The whole last week, I was there every single day. I gave him a reiki treatment, and I kept saying what a gift it is. And it truly was a gift to be there for my grandmother, to be together as a family and be running around and yes, showing that life goes on, but what a beautiful symbiosis of life and death that you need both. No one gets out of this life alive. Everyone is going to die.

Speaker A [00:07:34]:

And I thought I'd made a little bit more peace with it's. Kind of surprising me, like I said, how acutely I'm feeling this, but he also was the first of my grandparents to pass. I still have all four of my grandparents. And again, I know I'm lucky in that too. And that that's not something that a lot of people can relate to. But I feel like I spent so much of my childhood running away from my family, and I grew up in a house with four generations in it. In high school, I lived with my great grandmother, my grandparents, my mom and I, and that's fucking amazing. Nobody has that.

Speaker A [00:08:10]:

I shouldn't say nobody has that. Like, if you're from a Latin family, this probably sounds very familiar to you, but it's really special. Really special. And I feel like in my old age, I'm coming back to this realization of how special it is to have these relationships with my grandparents, to have these relationships with my family, because my healing is their healing. And the more that I heal myself, I am healing them and their lineage and their wounds and the things that they were unable to heal in their lifetimes. And it's a gift, and it's a special gift that everyone has access to when you just tap into your ancestors and your loved ones and you can find even more of yourself in these moments. I'm leaning into parts of my family that I wouldn't say I'd shunned. But maybe it rings true to you too that there was always one side of the family, right, that was kind of put on a pedestal or quote unquote, better.

Speaker A [00:09:05]:

And for me, it was my dad's side of the family a little bit. Even though my grandmother's side was there every single day, I took them for granted. And now I feel like I'm able to really express to both sets of grandparents how much I love them and appreciate them. And this was just a reminder of the lasting legacy that they've left on my life, but also the legacy that I get to leave for them, that I get to bring that love that they gave me forward into my children and they'll bring it into their children and their children and their children. And really everyone leaves a legacy. You think that it's this thing that, oh, only famous people or someone that has a well known name is going to leave a legacy, but that's not true. Everyone leaves a legacy in the lives that they touch. Everyone leaves a legacy in the kindness or in the actions that feel small and are small, maybe in the moment, but actually have such a big lasting impact.

Speaker A [00:10:05]:

My grandfather always treated me with respect, and so did my grandmother. Even when I was a little kid, I was treated with respect and that's something that I've never forgotten and something that I'm trying to emulate with my kids. And I'm not always the calmest, most patient parent. No one is. We're human. But I think coming back to that and remembering that, that you can always diffuse situations with laughter and you can always diffuse them with love is one of the biggest lessons that I have learned. And we've been talking the last two days. All these papa isms he had things he used to say that were very unique to him.

Speaker A [00:10:42]:

But I think my favorite one is.

Speaker B [00:10:48]:

To be good to one another. And I want to leave that with you all today. Be good to one another. Life is hard enough as it is. Life is short. Tell the people that you love that you love them. Make the special trips to go see them.

Speaker A [00:11:11]:

Spend time with your grandparents, spend time.

Speaker B [00:11:15]:

With the old people.

Speaker A [00:11:16]:

Okay?

Speaker B [00:11:17]:

Maybe they'll tell you the same story.

Speaker A [00:11:18]:

That you've heard like 4 million fucking times.

Speaker B [00:11:21]:

Who cares?

Speaker A [00:11:24]:

That is leaving a lasting impact because guess what? You're going to tell those stories over and over and over again to your kids too. And maybe they'll tell them to their kids and so on and so on. And I know every time I see a hawk in the sky or in a tree, I'm going to laugh and think of papa. Because when I was little, we used to go for walks and he used to say, do you see that big guy in that tree? And I said, what big guy? I don't see a guy in a tree, and he was talking about a hawk, and I was too little to know. And it's a silly family story, but it's one that we have told over and over again that I'm going to tell my kids every time we see a hawk.

Speaker B [00:12:03]:

I'm going to say, look at that big guy. And, yeah, that feels really good. I'll leave it there today, guys, I love you so much.

Speaker A [00:12:23]:

Call your grandparents and tell them you love them. Your parents, too, if you have them.

Speaker B [00:12:28]:

I'll see you next week. Bye.