Episode 9 - The Power of Integrating our Shadows: Healing Addictive Patterns, Overcoming Trauma, and Embracing Self-Love

*Trigger warnings for sensitive topics such as miscarriage, emotional abuse, and disordered eating*

This week, I'm sharing more of my personal healing journey, and how courage and self-love helped me overcome the hurt I carried in my late teens and early 20s. From feeling lost and lonely, to partying and maintaining a false image, I share my powerful story of self-discovery, healing, and the realization that some of the addictive patterns I was stuck in were not a reflection of my authentic being.

Join me as we explore the role of various healing modalities like the Gene Keys and Kundalini Yoga in my healing journey, and discover the importance of embracing one's past, finding grace in the journey, and extending compassion to yourself when you're in the midst of healing.

Get ready for a candid and inspiring conversation as we flip the script and unpack the complexities of addiction, shadow work, and shame. We'll also end with a short Violet Flame affirmation for cleansing. Grab your headphones, settle in, and let's dive into Episode 9 together.

Read the full transcript here:

Speaker A [00:00:00]:

Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Flip the script with Vic. I'm your host, Victoria Nielsen. I'm really nervous today, guys. I had the idea for this week's podcast drop in during meditation, and it felt really good in the moment. But now that I'm actually having to record and integrate and talk about some of these things making me really nervous. And so I really feel like it's an important time to share my story with you guys and not just the versions that probably most of you listening have heard on other podcasts or just because you're friends with me. I feel like I have a deeper story that I haven't really shared with the world, and I'm realizing it's because I still carried a lot of shame around it.

Speaker A [00:00:49]:

And to truly integrate it and integrate into my highest expression, I've got to talk about it. And I'm talking about it in case it resonates with anyone else, in case listen to my throat chakra, guys. My throat chakra is I'm clearing shit out by talking about this, but I'm also sharing this because if it even resonates with or remotely helps one other person, then there was a reason for me putting myself out there like this. And I also think there's something to be said for courage and having the courage to put yourself out there, but also face your truths and truly accept every part of yourself. And before I even dive into my story and all of that stuff, I think what's really come to mind a lot over these last couple of days as I've been percolating on this idea of sharing with you guys, is that I used to not identify with this part of myself because I would say, oh, that's not me. Which is true. But it's also true that it was a part of me and that by separating myself from it, I have not truly integrated the traumas and the things that need healing. And I've done a really good job of healing things from like 2018 until now, but anything before then, it's been in bits and pieces.

Speaker A [00:02:17]:

And I feel like talking about this is a big chunk of my life that needs a lot of healing. And I've done a lot of work around, but being able to share it now is its true integration. You hear a lot about shadow work, and it's a very buzzy term in the spiritual space. And this is true shadow work. I have found. When you are able to look at the natural observer without judgment at past versions of yourself and give them love and compassion and understanding, that's when they're able to be truly integrated into you, into this new version of whoever you are becoming. Because you can't leave those parts of yourself behind. Not truly.

Speaker A [00:02:57]:

Because they got you to where you are today. They are part of your path. They are part of why you are the person that you are today. And you're doing yourself a disservice by separating yourself from them, by drawing that line in the sand to say, like, no more. And so, yes, I am no longer that person, but also that inner teenager, that inner young 20 year old who was hurting so badly is still a part of me. And so in sharing this story, I'm giving her love, I'm giving her the stage, I'm giving her the compassion that she deserves so that I can move through it with grace, so that I can move past it. Because I feel like that's the age most likely for many of you, that you have these hurts and these traumas, and it seems like forever ago, because it is. I'm 34 years old now.

Speaker A [00:03:44]:

It's a long time ago. And you don't want to dwell on the past, but the past does not define you. You get to define you. And I've really come to realize over these last couple of days that in talking about it, I'm not making it define me. I'm healing myself. And I'm alchemizing all of that energy and all of those lessons into this new version of myself. And so I really just wanted to share that because I feel like shadow work again gets talked about a lot. But you can't bring up things that aren't ready to be healed yet.

Speaker A [00:04:20]:

I'll say that again, you can't force yourself to face or bring up things that aren't ready to be healed yet. I have found in my journey, when something is ready to be released, when it's ready to be let go from my energetic and spiritual and physical body, I'm confronted with it. So whether an idea pops into my head or I'm triggered in real life, but there's a catalyst that starts the shadow work process. So you can't just sit down and say, I'm going to do shadow work tonight. I personally don't feel like that's how it works. Maybe you feel like that's how it works for you and that's your truth. But for me, I have let it naturally come up, resonate, bubble up in my life. And then I know that I'm ready to face it and work through it and only then.

Speaker A [00:05:11]:

And so that's why I know that this era of my life from, gosh, I don't know, 17 to 27, no, maybe not till 27, maybe till like 24 is something I'm ready to release and talk about now, because it's something that I haven't I really haven't talked about. I guess with that, I'll dive in. I do feel like I need to maybe state like a trigger warning for miscarriage and for emotional abuse and for disordered eating. If any of that is going to really trigger you in any way, please turn off the podcast now. I'm again just sharing my story and my truth in the hopes of helping others. But I know part of the reason why I went down the path I did binge eating, purging, all of those kinds of things around disordered eating was because someone else gave me the tools. And I'll explain more in a second about that. But I think a part of why I've never really talked about this is because I don't want to be that person for anyone else.

Speaker A [00:06:15]:

I don't want to be the reason that you pick up these bad habits. I want you to be the reason that you heal from them. And so I am going to be really careful on how I talk about these things today because they weren't handled carefully with me. And I think that's part of why things spiraled the way that they did. And I would also like to say that a big realization I've had is that I've struggled with addiction, but not in the way that most people think. So most people would think that it's someone that can't help themselves, that can't handle the real world, that isn't functioning, that their life is falling apart, all of those things. I never got to that point with any of this, thankfully. But I can see now the way that I had addictive thought patterns.

Speaker A [00:07:01]:

And anyone can have addictive thought patterns about anything. It's not just drugs or eating disorders or any of those things. You can have everyday addictions in your life and not realize it because you are addicted to the way that you talk to yourself. And that's a circle, right? The pattern continues and continues until you create the cognitive dissonance to interrupt that circle and potentially make it a spiral, right, so that you can rise out of it. Or I guess you could spiral downward also. But I just want to clarify that that's huge for me to realize is that for anyone, really, that you can have addictive thought patterns and addictions in your life that aren't the normal addictions that society says is bad. And any addiction in your life is not good, whatever it is, whether it's an addiction to coffee or to drinking too many glasses of wine, or to being down on yourself and thinking badly about yourself and talking badly to yourself and to your body, those are addictive thought patterns. And breaking out of them is not just freeing for your true essence, your true self, but it's also how you're able to have a different perspective on your life and the company you keep and the habits that you have.

Speaker A [00:08:24]:

And I always credit Kundalini Yoga with this real deep healing that I've had because it has helped me see where these patterns were and also learning about my gene keys. I feel like I could probably go on a tangent about gene keys, but all I will say is that discovering my gene keys and seeing actually that addiction is a shadow aspect of one of my gene keys that I'm here to evolve through, I guess I should say allowed me to put this lens on my life, to say, wow, there are so many things that I had addictions around, if you will. So now that I've really built this story up and my life up, I guess I'll just dive in by know everyone has these things in their life and I have been one to sweep it under the rug, act like it wasn't a big deal. And actually, a friend of mine, Monica, recently was looking at my astrology and gene keys and human design chart and she was kind of like, wow, you've overcome a lot in your life. And that's what sparked this contemplation, if you will, about my life. Because I think of it as nothing. I think of it as just the journey that I have chosen. And that's true.

Speaker A [00:09:41]:

This is the journey that I chose for this incarnation. I know that I have karma from a previous lifetime that I'm really trying to work through, and I can see that now in some of the patterns and abandonment behaviors and addictions that I had when I was younger. And I feel like I've worked through a lot of it. And part of my karma that I brought into this life and why I want to help so many people is because I want to do better and be better in this lifetime than I was in previous lifetimes. But I can see now where some of that karma was playing out when I was in my late teens and early twenty s. And it really started in college, which I feel like again, probably most people have some of these stories, but in college I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship and I was a really confident and really strong person. And I only just share the story to say that I have so much compassion for people that are in those circumstances because you don't even realize it's happening sometimes. I did not even realize I was being emotionally abused until I was so sucked in that my mom came to visit and she was like, I don't even recognize you anymore.

Speaker A [00:10:55]:

This person is not my Victoria. You don't even smell like yourself. And at the time I didn't care because I was so caught up in him and everything that was happening. And I got away from it, thankfully, because I finally just said enough. Like, I was able to put enough physical distance between myself and this person that I could see for the first time just how insane the whole situation was. And I am very thankful that it never truly got violent. There was a moment at the end when I was leaving the relationship, that is probably the only time that I've been truly fearful for my life and I was able to get away. But even in that moment, I called the police and I didn't want to turn him in.

Speaker A [00:11:43]:

I still didn't want him to get in trouble. And so I offered to drive him somewhere as long as he was willing to leave me alone, and he wasn't. And I don't even know how I got out of the situation. Got him out of the car, sped away. Like, my whole body is like, tensing of talking about this, but that set me up for a lot of things to then domino in my life. So recovering from that emotional abuse, I started disordered eating. I started binging, purging, really trying to fix my emotions with food. I didn't want to face my emotions head on, and so I drank.

Speaker A [00:12:25]:

I did everything but face them, and I stuffed myself with substances. And then the next boyfriend had to deal with the mess. That was victoria. And I thankfully went to group therapy and did a lot and had some other family dynamic things happening that really played into it. But the eating disorder and the binging and the purging was really bad. And I feel like I should take a second to apologize to my college roommates that had to hear me barf all the time because, my God, you guys are saints. But it was my form of control, and it was my form of not having to deal with what was really happening in my life. And so that continued.

Speaker A [00:13:06]:

When I moved to New York City after college, I had a big girl job. I was so excited. But I found that I liked being skinny, and I was addicted to being skinny. And so even though I mentally was in a much better place after that abusive relationship my freshman year, I was still clinging to addictive patterns and things that I not even thought would make me feel better. But I can look at photos of myself from that time in New York and I look sad. I was skinny, super skinny, and I thought that I looked great. And seeing it now through my eyes, my 34 year old eyes, like, that girl just looks sad. And I have to stop and give myself so much love because she was lonely.

Speaker A [00:13:57]:

She was really lonely in the big city, and she got really caught up in partying and having a really good time and staying skinny. And I should have known my boss at the time, the two reviews that I had with her, I think I burst into tears both times, and she didn't know how to handle me or to understand me. And granted, I think it was like all of the party drugs and things that I was doing at the time, it wasn't me. And it finally took my college boyfriend and I breaking up and me having to take a hard look in the mirror and say, this isn't me. I could feel myself in my core, even though I wasn't in touch with my intuition, even though I wasn't in touch with myself in the way that I am now, I knew at my core that this wasn't who I was, that all of these things weren't me. And these thought patterns and the way that I was treating myself and treating others, god, I was awful to my college boyfriend. Like all of these things were not who I am at my core or how I was raised to be. And so I chose to move from New York City to Birmingham, Alabama of all places.

Speaker A [00:15:11]:

I didn't know a soul, but I knew in my heart that I had to, I had to make a change. And then I found my now know, we've moved and started a family, we got married, like all these beautiful things. But it was because I had the courage to stand up for myself and I had the courage to say I deserve more and the people around me deserve more too. That this is not the best version of Victoria that there is, that I need to find her, that I need to rediscover her. And so really that's the untold story of how I got to where I am today. Because then the story that most people know is about my miscarriage in 2018. And yes, I do think that was like the big catalyst for my true spiritual awakening. But even before that, in corporate America, I was yearning to be seen, to be praised, to be just given that gold star, right? And it wasn't until I realized that I have to give myself that gold star that I have to be the one to love and praise myself that things shifted.

Speaker A [00:16:14]:

And I also feel like I don't talk about some of this stuff sometimes because there wasn't like a magical, I don't know, thing that I did or thing that happened. It all gradually went away because I started working on myself and I had enough self worth left. Maybe it was only like this little tiny fraction of self worth, but there was enough there for me to say I deserve better, I need to do this. And I continued to numb myself with weed in particular for a long time until that miscarriage. And then after the miscarriage was really when I feel like things opened up for me to say like no more, I'm not living life right now. I am numbing myself to all of these emotions because for so long I went from one thing to the next trying to numb and cope and not deal. And now I know that feeling my feelings is a superpower and exactly what I have to do to move through and grow and expand. And that gives me the courage that I need to do some of these things that are kind of hard.

Speaker A [00:17:22]:

Like going through the shadow work, going through the spiritual journey, the spiritual healing. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. And you have to be willing to look yourself in the mirror and have those tough conversations because if you don't do it, who else is going to? Nobody else is going to. And you deserve to have a happy and fulfilled life. Like, you deserve to be the best person that you can be, because you're worth it. Your life is worth it. And if you hear nothing else today, I hope it's that that whatever you're going through, you are worth making the changes that you need to make so that you feel fucking good in your life. And no, that doesn't mean that you're happy all the time, but it means that you know how to find the joy when you need it, that you know how to move through and be authentic with yourself and be vulnerable with yourself and with those that are close to you.

Speaker A [00:18:19]:

And if you feel like you don't have those people in your life, reach out to me. DM me. I'm happy to be a listening ear and to hold your hand, because we need those people in our lives. We need those people that believe in us more than we maybe believe in ourselves sometimes and those shining stars that get us through to that next phase or that next thing. And I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore beyond that. I just wanted to share that. It's really easy to look at someone on the internet or who has a successful podcast or any of these outward forms of success and think that how they got there was easy. And I just felt like it was really time to pull back the curtain and say, like, no, I've had a fucked up journey too.

Speaker A [00:19:04]:

I may not have markers in my life that where I hit like a true rock bottom or had to have interventions or things like that, but I've had some really tough moments too, just like I'm sure that you have. And I want you nothing if you do nothing else. I want you to take a second and acknowledge that and acknowledge how far you've come, but also give love and compassion and acceptance to those parts of yourself. And grace. Give yourself some grace, especially if you're still moving through it, if you're still working through any of that shame or those negative emotions around maybe some of the things that have occurred to you in the past or maybe that you have done to others, it's okay. Find the love in your heart that you give to everyone else and give it to yourself. You did the best that you could with the tools that you had at the time, and that's all we can ever do as humans. And so I will leave you with a short Violet flame meditation.

Speaker A [00:20:09]:

I've been working with the Violet flame recently, and it is just a really cleansing and pure energetic energy, if you will. So if you'll close your eyes with me for a second, taking a big inhale into the nose, open mouth exhale, and taking a second to envision the violet flame in your heart, space those bright pinks and purples magentas. The full spectrum of violet ultraviolet light and feeling its glow and its warmth and then sending that glow and that warmth and that energy to all the past versions of yourself that need love right now. Your inner child, your inner teenager. Maybe it's you. In the present moment. In through the nose, open mouth, exhale. And just repeat this mantra with me.

Speaker A [00:21:11]:

I am the Violet Flame. I am the Violet Flame. I am the Violet Flame. I allow the Violet Flame to cleanse and forgive and send love to all the past, present and future versions of me that need it. One last inhale into the nose and open mouth exhale. Thanks for tuning in. I'll catch you next week. I love you so much.

Speaker A [00:21:59]:

Be good to one another. Bye.